Monday, July 18, 2016

Too Proud to Beg

Being single again means that I don't have anyone with whom to go to the movies, or dinner, or basically, anything else. The Ghostbusters reboot opened this past weekend and I didn't see it. Star Trek opens this weekend, and, extra bonus, the Kentucky Shakespeare Festival's "Bard-a-Thon" (all three plays from this summer in one, marathon day of performances) is Saturday. Nope, not going.

(In her defense, my best friend lives almost five hundred miles away, but I try not to visit too much to keep from wearing out my welcome. That's a reflection on me, not her. )

People have been quick to chime in with, "Learn to go by yourself, it's not that big of a deal!" Okay, yeah. I'm an introvert. I have enough trouble getting out of the house to the grocery, let alone going somewhere like a restaurant or theater. I just stay home instead. I set a speed record of ten minutes from seating to ordering to dining and leaving at a favorite Italian place last night because once the food was in front of me, I was truly too miserable to eat it. I took a couple of bites, asked for a box, paid my tab, and left.

The other aspect of this is that I find myself begging people to do things with me, only to be ignored or dismissed unless they have absolutely nothing better on offer. As I pointed out to Stefan, I pay $10 once a month for the privilege of talking to him for fifteen minutes before Damaged Goods performs- and that's before you add in the cost of my gas, meal, and the physical demands of driving 260 miles round-trip, so it runs into some time and money. I enjoy seeing him, and I like the other guys in the troupe a lot; it's just that he's never available to do anything else when I ask...damn, it's just hard to know that one is that profoundly boring.

Any time Chris goes somewhere with me, it's because I asked him to, and I think it's mostly because it's free transportation more than spending time with me. I'd fall over dead on the spot if he ever sought my company. There's that begging thing again.

The only person who's pursuing my company (and whose attention I do NOT want) is my stalker. I can't get him to leave me alone. I do not want him around. His attention is unwelcome and undesirable...and it's hard to process the idea that he's the best I can do for any form of human attention or companionship.

I love my dogs and cats. They're what keep me sane. I'm just really, really lonely, and I'm tired of begging.