Tuesday, July 21, 2015

I Have Nightmares, Not Dreams

In the wake of the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage, a lot of my gay friends have gotten engaged and/or married. I have a full social calendar coming up. I'm also a groomsperson in my friend Stefan's wedding next summer (well, that is if they didn't just stand up with a J.P. in Tennessee on their way to South Carolina for vacation this week).

I love my friends. I want to be part of their special days. In my heart of hearts, though, I don't really like weddings. They make me feel awkward. They remind me that there is no 'big day' on my horizon. They make me cringe inwardly.

I was reading a novel set just after World War I recently and ran across a term I hadn't encountered before. I was pretty sure that I understood what it meant; it was "Josephite marriage". In my history courses, we called it "companionate marriage", or marriage for companionship or consolidation of property, rather than one for love or sexual attraction. These marriages were typically non-physical.

I don't even have that. Besides, I wanted the party more than the legal contract...

In a way, it doesn't really matter that much; my mother is gone, and the mother-bride dynamic of a wedding is important. I was the little girl who drew ball gowns and wedding dresses, who subscribed to Modern Bride as a teenager not because I wanted to get married, but because I thought the dresses and cakes and decorations were so pretty.

I'm glad that I pushed myself to go to the prom in high school. I wasn't in a sorority, and besides, sorority formals are more like big cocktail parties rather than a truly formal dance. If I hadn't done the prom thing, I'd probably feel even more left out.

I guess when it's all said and done, I'm the queen of people in Hell who want ice water. I just wish Stefan's fiancee would pick out a color so I'd have some idea of what dress to buy.