I'm sitting here with a migraine thanks to the huge barometric shift that moved through the area last night, but since I still have an obligation to the family reading program at the public library tonight, here I am, in my office, trying to stagger through the day. We're having a professional development day at work, but I'm too sick to sit through the workshops- faculty meeting just about did me in, and there's a minimum of sound, light, and movement during those.
I've been riding the tides of emotion in my personal life. A cousin younger than myself is dealing with her mortality and the rest of us are fighting for composure- and I am haunted by her question to my sister when our mother died: "Did she suffer?" We didn't realize at the time why she was asking, because we thought her cancer was under some modicum of control. Wrong. Terribly, desperately wrong.
Mom's remaining brother is also facing some serious health issues. I've arranged to be out the day he's having surgery next month.
My other chaos, while it takes the wind out of my sails and hurts like the very devil, takes a back seat.
There are lots of little affirmations and positive quotations circulating in social media, and I've found many of them very much of the essence lately. The ones that resonate most are about the nature of true friendship and the people who honestly care about you. I've realized the last handful of years that there are some folks from back home to whom I was not especially close growing up who've turned out to have my back when it counted. There are others, still, in whom I placed a great deal of faith and trust who walked away when I needed them most. This is not anything terrifying or revelatory at this point in life, but it's disappointing...and proof that we can't manufacture a bond that doesn't "take" on its own.
It's time to take stock of who's really there, and who's only there when it's easy. These things tend to sort themselves out with time.