Monday, October 22, 2012

"Friend of the Groom"

As of this coming Sunday, both of my ex-fiances will be married. Now I'll impart why I'm not a fan of announcing one's engagement and impending marriage via social media: his intended (who is, incidentally, young enough to be his daughter) cheerfully posted it in his Facebook feed. It's really my fault for remaining friends with him, and no, I hadn't considered how I'd feel when this day came.

I found out with all the blunt force of being slammed into a wall at high speed.

Thirty-six hours later, after he had discussed this momentous announcement with my sister, he sheepishly messaged me, "I'm getting married in two weeks." I sat there staring at the screen thinking, "Aaaand, I really don't feel like congratulating you, because I found out along with your 2,000 random Facebook friends when I'm pretty sure your 'real friends' knew beforehand."

He used to give me these long-winded lectures about "Bros before Ho(s)", i.e., his 'friends' took precedence over me in the grand scheme of things. I'd told him repeatedly over the past several years since we broke up that I am now on the 'bro' side of the equation and I'd appreciate it if he treated me as such. That didn't seem to 'take'; however, I always seemed to hear from him when he was about to be evicted or his electricity was about to be disconnected...his other 'bros' were nowhere in evidence then.

The grand finale to all this came when I wearily told him (he's a state employee) that he needs to add her to his insurance policy. Our open enrollment ends two days before the wedding, so the 'qualifying event' will be his only chance until next year's open enrollment for 2014. It's my fault for posing the following hypothetical: "What if she were to get pregnant before you put her on your insurance?" Response: "We're waiting to start a family." That hit me harder than I want to admit- a lot harder. I waited ten years in vain to start a family with him, and then time passed me by. There will be no family for me now- my fault for not leaving him when I should've.

I thought I'd dealt with this a long time ago, but like so many things, I just stuck it in a dark little recess. Surprise, surprise. I didn't think it would bother me this much.

While I was on leave for my surgical recovery, I started reading a little bit more about my Aspergers, especially how it manifests in women. It seems we have a tendency to hold on to things beyond their expiration date, especially relationships of all kinds. We have trouble immediately discerning when things have fallen irreparably apart, and usually don't recognize it until it's far too late. We form few attachments, which makes it that much harder when we have to let someone go.

It's time. It's past time. If only I can follow through...

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