Dear Western Kentucky University: I am rather pleased to notify you that one of my most cherished friends is headed your way to complete his bachelors' degree in computer science. If you could possibly figure out some means by which I will not have to sit in L.T. Smith Stadium on those ungodly aluminum bleachers and roast for approximately three hours about a year and half from now during commencement, I'd appreciate it. Oh, and please, for the love of all that's holy, ask Hal Rogers to do the commencement speech. He's a lot shorter-winded than Mitch McConnell, who spoke at great, rather warm (as in the seventh circle of Hell hot) length a few years ago when one of my other dear friends was at the TAIL END of the line. Can you work out a processional whereby CIS comes in first, graduates first, and leaves first? I plan on leaving campus quickly and getting very, very drunk after this is over. You people just have no clue how long I have lived in the hope of that day. I guess I'll suffer if you're going to make me, but please, I'm not young anymore. Graduate him. Quickly.
PS My sole consolation is that I'm not on WKU's faculty and I will have already done my duty in the Robes of Teflon the night before at commencement where I work. Ours is inside a building that has rather aggressive air conditioning and the world's most uncomfortable plastic folding chairs.
That is all.