Sometimes, you have to be willing to throw yourself on your sword. I learned to do it when I was fifteen or so, when it occurred to me that The Ego of Hopkins would not be thwarted by a Girl Who Might Be Smarter. While I didn't go around twirling my hair and drooling idiotically in a corner, I did back off a bit on anything that might be perceived as outshining him.
At the present date, he has only himself to blame for the fact that I can't avoid it. As part of the slightly histrionic little speech he delivered on the night he graduated from high school, he informed me that I had to move forward with my own life once he was gone. Well, dammit, I did what I was told. Here I am, Professor AiredaleGirl. What's worse is that I'm not really in the mood to apologize...this is the monster he created.
So when I heard from him about a year and a half ago, I began testing my depth.
That IT position did materialize, and much to my shock, he has applied for it. We are rushing headlong toward the interview phase; what's more, he actually has a pretty good shot at this. That makes me a little nervous for a lot of reasons, although if he's offered an interview, I think I'll strategically arrange to be out that day.
The odd e-mail every once in a blue moon is okay; seeing him in person absolutely destroys me. I keep telling myself that I have to face my fears, regardless of the form they take, but facing the cold fact that we're pretty much still estranged from one another is a bit more than I can handle. Don't get me wrong, I hope he gets the job because he needs it...but this is the monster I created. I'm not sure I can deal with that responsibility.