Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Tackiest Fieldshow EVER

So, I'm kind of a fan of Tone Deaf Comics, which is somewhat aided by the fact the John "Bogey" Bogenschultz was apparently an assistant director at the much-reviled, much-giant-killing Adair County Band for a little while. If you're from Kentucky, you know about Adair, and if you're me, you've had the pleasure of being dumped by an egotistical trumpet soloist because he demanded that I quit my band...because it embarrassed him that I marched for a rival whom he deemed inferior (read: any other band in the state). He manages a Wal-Mart now- how classy is that???

Tone Deaf recently went on a riff about whether or not certain school names sound like planets or characters in the Star Wars universe. Two of the targets were Ooltewah (TN) and Kennesaw Mountain (GA), which prompted me to comment (and later delete said comment) about what could potentially constitute the Trashiest Fieldshow Ever, one that would cause judges to fall out of the box foaming at the mouth in anger and confusion. If you're from the South and have ever been asked if you wear shoes on a regular basis, this is where the train wreck is headed, just in case you don't want to look...so here goes nothing good (remember, I'm FROM the South, and we're used to being ridiculed with these stereotypes- trust me, I could make it a LOT worse, too):
Repertoire:
  • Dueling Banjos
  • Medley: Tennessee Waltz/My Old Kentucky Home/Georgia On My Mind/Sweet Home Alabama
  • something random played on kazoos, mouth harps, washtub bass, and whiskey jug
  • Some kind of snappy hoedown music
  • Closer: Dukes of Hazzard theme
Props:
  • A working moonshine still
  • rusted-out car or truck on blocks
  • house trailer with polyester curtains and a redwood deck
  • several flea-bitten hounds
  • rocking chairs
Uniforms:
  • All march barefoot
  • Band in denim overalls with coonskin caps
  • Percussion (pit and battery)- overalls and dirty John Deere or Caterpillar caps
  • Guard- cutoff shorts with halter tops made from bandannas
Guard equipment:
  • Real, working rifles (loaded and fired while guard runs hollerin' around field at finale)
  • Frog gigs
  • Garden hoes
  • Beer bottles (for juggling)
  • Cane fishing poles, with fake catfish attached
The pit equipment can be hauled in with the typical ATVs, but everything will be mounted on old boat trailers or tobacco wagons. Instead of bringing guard equipment out from behind blinds or props, an equipment handler will fling stuff out the broken windows of the house trailer at the appropriate time. During the finale, guard members will fill the jugs used in the jug band number with moonshine from the working still...and this will be offered to the judging panel, guaranteeing that they will score the band high and be too drunk to care about anybody who follows them in the lineup.

EDIT: I totally forgot about this- I asked a former student for a tacky idea when she stopped by my office earlier, and she suggested that the show conclude with cow-tipping...

***DISCLAIMER: I'm just messing with you, people, I would never propose this as a real marching show. It's just that some of the over-conceptualized, serio-tragico-comedic stuff I've seen wade into competition lately is in dire need of spoofing. Peace be with you...   ~AiredaleGirl

1 comment:

Jen said...

As a "transplanted" southerner, I think it's hilariously perfect! But then I'm partial to slapstick satire.