Monday, November 14, 2011

Honor

What is left when honor is lost? ~Publilius Syrus

Ah, honor, that trait that Southerners embrace with hidebound intensity; that to which we cling, even when it hurts far more than it helps.

Don't get me wrong, my integrity is of soul-searing importance to me. I don't and won't follow my heart into matters that would be devastating to my honor. Once upon a time, I had someone else's sense of chivalry cut me clean through...a wound with a sharp knife bleeds less, in the estimation of some, I suppose. It still hurts like the very devil.

Today I was cautioned not to put myself at risk to advance their interests- still shielding me from myself after this long, I see... my mind was screaming, "Will you never trust me? I do know what I'm doing...and lucky for me I have you to tie my shoes," but what I wrote was, "There is no risk involved. I have done all that I can do; it's all you from here on out."

It's a timeless struggle...but because I was left to my own devices at seventeen, I had to become the Self-Rescuing Princess. I learned how to save myself, because there wasn't anybody else who needed my help. Or that's how it seemed for a long time, even though it (technically) isn't true- I'm not in the rescuing business much anymore, although I am in the holding-out-the-life-preserver business. I'm a professional educator...it's kind of what we do, you know.

Sometimes you sit dormant for a long time, waiting for the moment when you might be of some assistance. It's paltry enough in this case, but it's within my scope to do it. I have pulled greater flanking moves than this, when I had far more to lose- and that's in context of the current situation- and I would do it again. I think the tactical error is the belief that I wouldn't do for all what I've done for one.

So, my White Knight, keep your armor in check this time. It's under control. You'll just have to trust me, because I have, and have always had, your best interests at heart.

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