Monday, May 10, 2010

Calm as a Hummingbird on Crack

I'm going to lead with the old chestnut, "With great power comes great responsibility," of late employed on Big Bang Theory when Penny obtained Sheldon's "kryptonite": his mother's phone number. I'm on round two of my own kryptonite here; I avoided it as if it were the code for unleashing Ragnarok when I was in high school...then, it was an address at Johns Hopkins. I'd completely forgotten that I was in possession of it until I recently found my high school address book, and there it was- along with the memory of the gut-wrenching internal debate over whether to use it.

I'm not known for deferring to anyone, with a sole exception, and that deferral has been in force for twenty-four years. Although I was a prolific letter-writer in my youth, that's the one letter I could never bring myself to write. Much of what it might've contained or at least alluded to has come out over the course of the four-plus months during which I've been keeping this blog. Now it's thrown up into strong relief, in the present tense, and I feel a gasping desperation that usually attends job interviews, public speaking, or social events at which I don't really know anyone.

The second piece of kryptonite dropped last night. Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it, and now I'm well and truly scared. My sangfroid just imploded.

I become manic when I'm frightened and desperate for something to not go badly. I overdo it. I try too hard. My lizard brain kicks in and my IQ drops precipitously to a moronic, babbling level. I'm torn between leading with some smartass comment or doing the compositional equivalent of faux-casually leaning up against the nearest wall and tossing out, "So, what up, dog?" My BFF has already advised that I not fire off the first draft into the ether without sitting on it for a day or so. Hell, I don't even know where to begin.

Cross the Rubicon, child, and don't look back. That's what the voice in the depth of my soul says. You said you wanted closure, and whether it's closure or evolution remains to be seen. Time to stop being a hypocrite, suck it up, and step off the line. Wish me luck, because it's the most difficult step I've ever taken.

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