Monday, April 5, 2010

Pense de Moi

"Think of me."

It seemed like such a simple request at the time.

Remember me, even if you forget everything else here. Not everything was horrible, and I willed it with every fiber of my being. You are all that I have, and when you have gone, what becomes of me? Nevermind. I will find my way. You go, and wait for me on the other side. I can handle this. I have always handled it. I will survive. I charge you to do the same...

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Until we are willing to tear away the polite veneer that protects and perpetuates child abuse in "the old families" and among white collar professionals, it will continue to destroy lives beyond repair. It is not a problem confined to "them". It is among "us". To give it voice makes it real.

Clarence Darrow wrote that he had never killed a man, but he had read many obituaries with great pleasure, and there's at least one that I'm going to put on prominent display in a silver Tiffany frame when the time comes. The invisible nametag on my chest reads: "Hello: My Name is Collateral Damage". I have worn it far too long- I have borne the dark truths and the polite fictions all these many, many years. I felt the sting of it early and have since watched the slow work of that poison. I'm still bitter for what it stole from me, but moreso for the utter destruction it left in its wake.

I thought that I could mitigate it, even when I was trapped in my own hell. I did, for an all-too-brief time, and then it spiraled dangerously and permanently out of control. Each in our way, we have never recovered...but I have never lost the spirit that raged against the sheer injustice of it.

Pense de moi- think of me. Remember me. I cannot forgive. I will not forget. And I am still waiting...

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